@lazerdoov: Don't ask a pregnant lady "do you know the sex?" obviously she knows about sex she's pregnant you stupid idiot
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@jesseltaylor: Me five minutes ago: I'm not sure what the United Kingdom is Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
@doktorj: Teach a man to fish and you'll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
@hippieswordfish: lobster christian grey: 'my tastes are very.....singular' *opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*
@DanMentos: [first date] "so what do you do?" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager