Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You Might Also Like
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Don’t touch that.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?