Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook