Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Tremendous stuff
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.