Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.