Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults