@goldengateblond: Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
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@TheMichaelRock: *wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a..
@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.
@GingerHotDish: M: Bless me Father for I have sinned. P: You're not even Catholic. M: You don't want to hear what I did? P: Oh, I do. I've read your tweets.
@UnFitz: Her: Going out with the girls. Me: Please give my best to the coven. Her: Me: Did I say that out loud?