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@Darlainky: Don't ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
@PJTLynch: *wife sees me crying*
Her: What's going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That's sweet
H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!
@Prof_BrianCocks: "14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope."
"You mean Collider?"
@Brampersandon_: RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears
ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART!
RANGER: What did I just say!?
@meganamram: Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I'm taking the door to prom
@perhapssomeday: No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.