Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.