Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.