@CakeLikeBeth: Don't ask me how I managed to take this because I'm not entirely sure
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@E_lok44: Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there? Him: Windows phone Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
@QwertyJones3: I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
@MartaEffing: *leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen