Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Sing it!
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I don’t get marriage
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.