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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.