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@eliserose5: Don't be a doormat, be an electric fence.
@iAmDelFreaky: I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
@Carter_TCB: Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
@TeejayRush: Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
@iwearaonesie: *gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
@TitansHomer: My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.