@eliserose5: Don't be a doormat, be an electric fence.
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@NewDadNotes: Justice League HQ Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr Superman: 1.5 for me Aquaman: I'm paid in sand dollars Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?
@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams* "THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT" *I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around* "It's his house now"
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I didn't get the job. Wife: Why not? M: Something about my eyesight. W: What EXACTLY did they say? M: That I needed 'adult supervision'.