Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.