Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
How can I say no to this ?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING