“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
That’s enough internet for the day
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*