Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”