Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
All generalizations are stupid.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.