Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.