Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.