Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
mathematically impossible
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*