I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
finally
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.