Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth