Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.