Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?