Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea