Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
A man of commitment.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*