the last thing a carrot sees
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.