You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.