Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*