Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
absolutely not
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*