Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”