@PaulyPeligroso: Don't be that guy that tells people not to be "that guy."
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@dlockw21: I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."
@Mr_Kapowski: "Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
@LindaInDisguise: 13YO: Why's he happy? He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.