@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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@daplusk: [date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um
@jimmytorosian: Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put "delicious" in their name. Like calm down. You're still just an apple. You ain't no prize.
@Mikecanrant: A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.