Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My dress code is business-casualty.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Just say no
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there