@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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@OohSnapItsChris: My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.
@ibid78: When life hands you 2 Lemons 1 cup sugar 2 tbsp flour 3 tbsp cornstarch 1 cup water 2 tbsp butter 4 eggs 1 pie crust you make lemon meringue
@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
@AZHORSEMOM77: Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away