@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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@TheToddWilliams: STICK BUG WIFE: We can't seem to get pregnant DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests… STICK BUG WIFE: …and? DOC: Your husband's an actual stick
@TheToddWilliams: [gun shop] ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead? CLERK: Haha no that's illegal ME: Ok CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately