@KentWGraham: Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail
@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
@WilliamRodgers: 18 is TOO young to get married! You can't even buy booze at 18! If you can't buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
@WritePlay: Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire