Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.