Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.