@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.
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@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@clindsaysway: That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the 'close' button