Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.