@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.
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@eTHEgoddess: The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album. In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me? Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit. Me: I'm flying United today. Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@13spencer: A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled "I'm taken," and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have