Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.