@scottthetwat: Don't blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.
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@ohheyohhihello: Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."
@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@llvvzz: Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.