Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
i actually laughed 😩
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*