“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch