Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.