@SCbchbum: Don't bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they're speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
@ddsmidt: People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.
@Hormonella: Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real... Him: Ma'am, please step out of the vehicle.