Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.