@SCbchbum: Don't bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they're speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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@SuperApple8: Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@truegritrumble: COP: Know why I pulled you over? ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back? COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
@XplodingUnicorn: Reasons Pluto is so cold: 3) It's far from the sun 2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat. 1) It found out we said it's not a planet.