Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”