@954LeenO: Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
@david8hughes: [interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends
@GrillinChillin9: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
@Jenny4ashley: How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
@InternetHippo: It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft