Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*