Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Mornin
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”