Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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Me, flirting😏
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.