Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Not today.. 😂
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”