@weinerdog4life: Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.
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@SortaBad: [karate tournament] coach: Billy sweep the leg! me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head! *Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
@Real_Dick_Head: *gets first nose bleed since childhood* Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
@Reverend_Scott: "Hi, I'm calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist." It's heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It's definitely not a horse.