Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”