Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I can fix him.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?