Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
what the
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Breaking news:
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.