Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.