Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
classic mixup
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down