Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
channeling her this year
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
A woman drives into a bar.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.